Holding onto a grudge can create a wedge in your relationship. What starts off as lingering anger can turn into a major source of tension in the household. As part of our couples counseling programs in Oshkosh, WI, we help eliminate grudges that keep couples from healing and growing. This is something you can start working on right away, even before you see a couples counselor. Here are some tips to help you let go of a grudge that’s damaging your relationship.
The Grudge Hurts You More Than It Hurts Your Partner
As humans, we hold onto grudges in the hopes that the other person will eventually see our side of the dispute. The grudge is designed to punish the other person so they can see the error of their ways. How often does that actually happen though? In most cases, the person holding the grudge experiences far more pain and mental anguish than the person receiving it.
Anger and negativity are toxic. They will start to bleed into other areas of your life, and soon this tiny grudge will be all you can think about. Letting go is not a sign of weakness. It’s a matter of self-preservation. You need to clear your conscience so you can move forward in happiness. We’ll teach you how to do that during your couples counseling sessions.
What’s the Real Reason You’re Holding a Grudge?
What you think you’re angry about and what you’re actually angry about may be two different things. You’re upset that your husband didn’t take out the trash for the third week in a row. Are you really mad at the trash, or are you mad at his lack of responsibility? Furthermore, do you feel like your relationship is one-sided? If so, him not completing a household chore will seem like one more task on your never-ending to-do list.
Getting to the root cause of the grudge is the first step in resolving it. Figure out what’s truly upsetting you and then talk to your partner about it. Try this approach: “I know I’ve been angry lately, and I thought it was because of {this}. After thinking a little more though, I realized I’m actually upset about {that}. Can we try to find a compromise?” This changes the nature of the conversation. You’re no longer ‘nagging’ about a grudge. You’re trying to resolve an issue. That’s when progress happens.
What Is a Logical Solution?
In couples counseling, we focus on solutions, not problems. Acknowledging issues in your relationship is a good start, but it is only the beginning of the healing process. You then have to come up with solutions for each of those issues. You feel like there’s an imbalance in your relationship. Great! Now talk about how to create more of a balance. Assign realistic and achievable tasks for each of you, and commit to completing those in a timely manner.
There is an answer to every obstacle, but it’s not always easy to see those answers on your own. That’s the beauty of couples counseling. You have an unbiased, educated third-party to guide you through your discussions. Voice your opinions and understand why you feel a certain way. Then listen to your partner and gain a similar understanding of their thoughts and feelings. Together, you can find a solution that works for you as a couple, and you can learn how to prevent issues in the future.
To schedule an appointment for couples counseling in Oshkosh, WI, call 920-230-2065. The call is free and completely confidential.
